The Trouble With Plants
by RanebowStitches
Summary: Most likely the weirdest BatmanxJoker fic you will ever read. Slash....kinda


Trouble With Plants

"All right...does anyone have a better plan? Yes, Freeze?"

"How about we freeze him?!" Many nods and cheers erupt from the table. The Riddler sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He tries to quiet the table down, but everyone is trying to discuss a different tactic all at once. Destroying the Batman, is it really that hard? A sudden loud slam is heard and everyone quiets and turns towards the head of the table. The Joker sits, his hand still curled around a pencil now stuck in the table, chuckling. He looks up at the table, a wide grin on his face.

"Is that really the best you can think of? You're all pathetic," He licks his lips and eyes everyone at the table. Every one of Batman's villains, no matter how small, was there. The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, The Riddler, Scarecrow, Killer Croc, even Man-Bat was there. Only, Poison Ivy and Killer Moth seemed to be missing. The Joker shrugged and continued. "What we need is to kill the Batman is a way to rob him of his powers,"

"But, he doesn't even have real powers," A voice poked up from the other end of the table.

"Yah, it's all in his belt!" The table exploded into voices again. The Joker sighed, leaned back in his chair, and shot his gun to the ceiling, successfully quieting everyone.

"All right, if you're smart enough to figure that out, then what do we need to do?" He licked his lips and grinned.

"Destroy his belt!" The table cheered in unison before everyone started planning on how exactly to do that. The Joker just laughed manically in his chair.

....

Batarang. Dodge. Another one. Dodge. Another one. Does he ever run out of them?! Of course not because he's Batman.

Batman landed on the hard ground of the deserted warehouse with a thud. The Joker laughs at him from the rafters above. Batman growls and gets to his feet, only to be tackled to the ground again. The Joker laughs again as he sits on Batman's stomach and holds his hands to the floor above his head. Batman glares at him through his mask and tries to throw him off, but after just being attacked by nearly every villain he's ever encountered, his strength is all but gone. "Batsy!" The Joker all but squees. "How'd you like the little party we threw ya?" The Joker laughs again as Batman tries to buck him off. "Now, how do you say we make this a little more fair?" Holding down both of Batman's hands in one, the Joker brings his other down to the hero's belt. Just as he begins to remove the belt, that holds all 101 bat themed items, a small tablet hits him in the head. Both men watch as it hits the ground and starts vibrating. They stare at it when, suddenly, purple smoke emits from the tablet. The Joker's eyes widen and he tries to clamber off of Batman, but he feels so sleepy, so very sleepy. As Batman also falls victim to the gas's effects he can just make out the shadow of a woman next to him, and hear her laughing.

.....

Groaning, the Joker opens his eyes slowly. _What happened and why does my stomach hurt? _Sitting up, he rubs his eyes and looks at his hands. He lets out a scream and looks down at the rest of him. His whole body, except his head, had been turned into a 6ft tall, purple, thorny, very lanky plant, with vine like arms. Underneath him, surrounded by more of his own body, was a ball of a web like material. He started hyperventilating, looking around the dark room and seeing nothing. His stomach hurt worse now, and he couldn't even bring himself to laugh at this situation. Ok, maybe a little. Only because he was turned into a plant of all things. Ha ha, a plant.

"Finally, you're awake," Batman growled out, almost indistinguishable because his voice sounds like he'd been gargling nails. The Joker plant thing looked over to see Batman, still his same height though he looked so tiny because the Joker was so big, and he had big black moth wings and antenna sprouting from his head. He hovered in the air as the Joker took it all in. Bat(moth)man sighed as the Joker began laughing at him, only to stop with a sharp intake of breath. "You ok?" He asked, generally concerned.

"My stomach hurts is all. Like you care anyway, Batsy, or should I say, Mothsy?" He chuckled, and he wrapped his vine-like arms around his stem where his stomach should be. Batman glowered at him and crossed his arms over his chest in a huff.

"There's no way out of here," He grumbled.

"What?"

"I've flown around, and there's no way out. No doors, or anything,"

"Of course not! Why would we want you to get out of here?" A high pitched laughter filled the room. Poison Ivy stepped from the shadows, along with Killer Moth, and smiled at the two confused half-breeds. Batman made a move to throw something at Ivy, but alas, his belt was missing.

"Ivy?! What have you done to us?" The Joker growled at her.

"Oh, it's about time you two got together. Everyone agreed with me, and so we planned to help it along," Killer Moth chuckled at the very bemused faces on the two hybrids.

"What does that-," The Joker inhaled and groaned out, bending over as pain rippled up his spine. Ivy clapped her hands and exclaimed that it was time! She instructed Batman to grab the strings on the web-like mass that sat under the Joker. Batman looked at her curiously, but followed her commands. He took one of the strands in his hands and began flying away from the mass, pulling it along with him. The Joker's eyes widened and he howled in pain. Batman let the detached string fall from his hand, and he looked at the quivering plant Joker. He felt bad that he was putting him through more pain. Wait, what? Wasn't his goal to take down the Joker, no matter what? They had fought countless amounts of time, so why now did he suddenly feel so sorry for the Joker?

"Keep pulling till they are gone!" Ivy yelled up at Batman. He took a deep breath, tried to clear his mind, and continued on pulling the strings, each one making the Joker yell out in more pain, until he gripped the last three and just threw them out. The Joker collapsed with a loud thud, and Batman sat on the floor panting. "It is done. The baby is out," Ivy says before stepping back into the shadows.

......

This time when the Joker awoke his eyes landed on a birthday cake almost as big as he was, as he confirmed he was still a 6ft tall plant, and it was being decorated by Ivy. She was skipping across the top of it, leaving small footprints in the icing, while throwing sprinkles everywhere. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"What are you doing?" He asked. She turned to him and smiled.

"I'm setting up the birthday party!"

"Who's?"

"Your daughter's! That's who,"

"Uh..I don't have a daughter," Ivy rolled her eyes.

"You and Batman do now!" And with that she skipped off the side of the cake and into the shadows. The Joker ran his vines through his hair. What was going on?! He felt a tap on his shoulder, or where his shoulder would have been. Turning, he gasped as Batman suddenly landed a peck on his cheek.

"Woah, woah, woah! What was that?!" He exclaimed, leaning away from Batmanmoth. Batman twiddled his thumbs and looked down, blushing.

"I don't know. I just...Are we like together now? Since we have a daughter," He asked, not even trying to disguise his voice anymore since his throat hurt. The Joker thought it over and replied slowly.

"Well, I guess we can if you want to,"

"Do you want to?" Batman asked. Joker looked him in the eyes and nodded. "Good, me too." He was then pulled into vine like arms.

.....

The Joker chuckled under his breath as he navigated the hallways of Wayne Manor. He was back to his normal, as normal as he could be, self. He had a sudden urge to stab something, so he took a knife from his jacket and shoved it in the wall next to him. Bruce wouldn't mind, he was used to it by now. The Joker slipped silently into a very purple room. He watched as Bruce, back to normal also, rocked a toddler back and forth in his arms. She had pale white skin, rosy red lips, and jet black hair. Just as Bruce lowered her into her bed, the Joker came up and wrapped his arms around Bruce's waist. He nuzzled his nose into his neck, knowing he'd leave makeup trails there. Then he nipped the soft skin of Bruce's neck, causing it to bleed, but licking it up quickly. Bruce suppressed a moan as he signaled for the Joker to be quiet and pushed him out of their kid's room and into their own. Their daughter smiled in her sleep and hugged her Batman and Joker dolls closer to her.

* * *

I have the strangest dreams you can ever imagine....And this my first story on Fanfiction. XD Blame my sleeping mind...


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